Refuge in Him & Be Present ::

I think I've sat in front of this computer screen atleast (if not more than) a dozen times, staring at the blank white space, and contemplating writing every little thing on my mind. It would probably take longer than you can imagine. Life has been crazy, different, and oh so good. There are many days of frustration, lots of smiley days, and a few bad ones. Some days, I just stare at Kai and can't believe he is ours. This little bundle of joy that was growing in my belly is finally out in the world, and already three months old. Where has the time gone? Actually, I can tell you because it's been a rough three months with his colic. We have good days, and then there are the really bad days where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and scream (I usually do the latter!) BUT on the good days I can't help but stare at Kai and think about the wonderful blessing he is in our lives. A gift. God's good, good gifts that he wants to give to his children. I am so thankful for these gifts.

I do love being a mommy. Even after all of the sleep deprivation, frustration's, life's happenings, etc. There is something so beautiful about it. Now, I'm not going to lie, since it's been a rough first 3 months with our little man, more times than not throughout the day, we catch ourselves saying, "we can't wait until he is 4, 5, 6 months old!" So here is a gentle rebuke from the Lord that I read from a friends blog the other day, that is much needed today, and a reminder for the days to come...."Be present. Take it all in. Enjoy. Be satisfied with what I've given you for the day. It is from My hand."

It's easy (well, kind of) for me to wake up at 3 AM, feed Kai while simultaneously checking Facebook, watching an episode on Hulu, mindlessly scrolling through Pinterest (these are the times I pin the most, as you can tell!), etc. In those little moments that I do look down at Kai, he has changed so much in the short three months he's been born! Someone told me the other day, "it will go fast, the days are long, but the years are oh so fast." Waking up almost every night at 3 AM feels like an eternity, but the past three months seem to have flown by.

I'm not saying that these things are wrong, but what I am saying is that I do at times use these things to escape. Instead of taking in every little moment and truly watching Kai as if it were my last day on earth, I seem to turn to mindless things. Things that aren't nearly as important as sitting in the quiet and listening to God, turning AND tuning everything off that distracts me from his still, small voice....and taking in the goodness and faithfulness of God. He is the one who has given us this perfect gift, and for that, deserves all honor and glory.

So, my prayer is to refuge in Him, and still be fully present while being Kai's mom. :)

"By God's grace, even in the hard moments, I knew that the job of being a mother was what God had created my heart for. We had our struggles, but at the end of the day, we were each in love with this new things we called family in this new place we called home." {Katie Davis} 

Kai :::: One Month Old!

I used to be that girl who said growing up, "I want lots of kids, atleast three." I can tell you that has taken a left turn these past four weeks. Maybe it's because the newborn stage is not my favorite, or because my eight hours of sleep a night has been completely diminished. Either way, I would be content with just our little Kai. :) (I've been told I'll forget all these things...we shall see!)

 

It was after only a few weeks of sleepless nights, Kai's constant crying, and wanting to pull our hair out, that we decided to take Kai to the doctor because we just thought it "didn't seem right." He assured us that he is in good health, but has extreme colic. Oh boy. We know it's going to be a long road the next 3-4 months, but we are ready for whatever God has prepared. This 1 month old miracle is worth it.

There isn't a whole lot to post right now, probably because my mind feels like a blur most of the time. God's been reminding me of his goodness, and to rely on HIS strength and not my own every single moment of every day.  With that, I am hanging on to his strength.
                                            
                                                                                                         [until next month!] :)

Kai :::: Two(+) Weeks Old

I can't believe our little man is already two weeks old. Okay, maybe I can. It has been quite an adventure these past few weeks! I know they say that you are supposed to "sleep when the baby sleeps," but that is hard for me. I am the type of person that always feels like she has to be "doing" something, and so when he sleeps, I need to clean, or read, or pinterest (I know, it shouldn't be that important!) but regardless, I need to learn to sleep more. Maybe I'll soon realize.

It's been so fun watching the little things that Kai does. He is the most alert baby I have ever seen (really!) His eyes are always wide open, and very curious. He loves, loves, loves, to look around and make sure he knows exactly what is going on every where. For being a little over two weeks old, it's quite amazing and entertaining. The crazy part is that he came out of my womb this way! I just love him.

Kai definitely has my stubbornness in wanting to stay awake, and NEVER sleep! I thought newborns were supposed to sleep 'all' the time. :) I'm sure this will change, as he is still trying to figure out what happened in a matter of hours to his original "home." He doesn't really like to take his "binky," and the swing isn't his favorite either. Most times, laying him down and allowing him to look around brings contentment to him. I like to think he is 'staring at angels.' :)

We are so proud, and lucky to be Kai's parents. It still hasn't completely set in. Dylan has been an incredible help these past few weeks! He helps feed him in the middle of the night, and does everything he can to help me. He is such a good dad and I am so thankful for him.

Here are some two week old pictures of Kai (if you haven't already seen them on his facebook album!):

Labor and Delivery Story

Well, apparently I "tried" to finish my pregnancy blog because I started to write this for my 38-39 week update and never finished it....

"This is the most uncomfortable time of pregnancy, no doubt in my mind! I've finally asked Dylan for help when putting shoes on, and I can't seem to tie my shoes very well either. :) Oh, the joys...

It could be any day now. Although, after my doctor's appointments, it's looking like he is comfortable where he is. I am okay with that, I think. Although, Dylan's family is coming here for Thanksgiving, and we are hoping he arrives in time to meet them!" 

Guess what, he did come before then! It has been such a crazy past few weeks, but I wanted to share Kai's birth story since people have been inquiring about it.

I believe that God's hand has been in this pregnancy in so many tangible ways. From having our due date so close to Dylan's brother, Patrick Kelly passing, to allowing Kai to come just on time so that his family could see this amazing gift of new life. God is good. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it. HIS timing is perfect, and it will always supersede our own "agenda."

It was Thursday morning, and I had planned to go to ChuckECheese with my sister Karra, and nephew Pax. It was exactly two weeks from when I went on maternity leave with Starbucks, and I was ready for Kai to make his entrance into the world. Even though I was ready, I knew that it was up to him to come when he was ready. My sister had dropped me off at my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and lo and behold, as soon as I stepped out of her car, it felt as though I had peed my pants (which can be normal for pregnancy in your last trimester). So, I proceeded to get into my car, and realized that whatever was coming out of me was not stopping! My water had broke, O boy. 

(Let's rewind to just a few days before when the midwife had told me that I was only a finger-tip dilated, and I was probably going to be atleast 1 week late...what a complete shock!)

So, I went home to get my bags and tried to change my pants (which never happened because it was THAT bad), and my sister followed me there just in case. Dylan left school and came as soon as he could to the apartment as well. We rushed around to get everything because we weren't sure how much time we had (not knowing I would be in labor for 18 hours!) :) We headed to the hospital excited, nervous, anxious, and many other emotions that come when you realize, "it is time!"

When I got to the hospital, they checked me, and I was still only a finger-tip dilated. What a disappointment. This baby was going to come, but I wasn't progressing enough for him to come on his own. Dreading to hear the word, I knew I was going to have to get "Pitocin, (which speeds up your labor, and makes your contractions come faster & worsens the pain.")  So, after I got admitted into my room, my mid-wife came in to let me know what the game plan was. They started me on Pitocin right away, and put a balloon-like device to stretch my cervix so that it would open it up. From 1:00-9:30 PM, I was only dilated at 3 centimeters, and knew it was going to be a long night. After talking with my mid-wife, I decided to get the epidural, which I was very happy about considering how long everything was taking and how much pain I was in from the strong contractions. 

The night seemed to go on FOREVER. Of course, I did not sleep because of the nurses coming in to move me around so that they could make sure the babies heart rate was okay AND because of the excitement, nerves, etc. My incredible mom and husband stayed with me in the room the whole night. Finally, at around 4 AM, I was 10 centimeters dilated, and I was ready to push! This was probably the funniest part (is that normal?), considering how tired we all were, and how ready we were to meet Kai! I set goals for when I wanted him to come out, and it wasn't until Dylan said, "Okay, by 6:15, this baby is coming out!" and Patrick Kai McMurry was born at 6:14 AM, on my due date, November 18th, 2011. He had strawberry blonde hair, and was absolutely perfect! We were all exhausted by this point, and in tears seeing this amazing miracle that God has blessed us with.

Kai McMurry -- We love you so much, and feel so blessed and honored to be able to raise you into the man that God has designed you to be. 

36 & 37 Weeks

 

Well, I am an auntie again, and I love it! I can't even begin to describe the excitement of seeing and holding our new little nephew, Holt Levi Lajzer. :) It was not only an exciting time seeing him, but the realization that this will be our family in about 3 weeks seems surreal. Crazy, almost. Life is going to change in more ways than I can even imagine, and I am content with that.

Besides my hands swelling, and the lack of sleep some nights, I can't complain to much. I am ready to meet our little boy, but I also know the longer he is in there, the better! So, with no dilation, and no signs of labor, I'll keep on keepin' on. :) I've felt very blessed this week. The support from family and friends is overwhelming at times, and so amazing. When everyone around me is asking how I am doing, and how excited they are to meet our little boy, I can't help but smile, and be grateful that we have such incredible family surrounding us. Thank you, for all your support and love during this season of our lives, we definitely feel it.

My "tiredness" has gotten the best of me the past few weeks, which is why I haven't been up to "blogging." My last work day until I go into labor is this Thursday and I am looking forward to it (although I have always enjoyed working throughout the Holidays, despite the chaos that usually occurs). The 8-9 hours a day on foot can take a toll on my back, and legs! I don't have much to post this week, but I did post some pictures of my belly with some baby names. Our little man's name IS indeed in those four names, and you can have fun trying to guess which one it is. :)

35 Weeks

They say your equilibrium is off when you are pregnant, and I would have to agree (including my husband). For some reason, this past week has been nothing but dropping things and/or seamlessly running into things. Oh boy...it makes for a good laugh, that's for sure!

We are almost finished with the babies room. I am contemplating posting pictures because it has the babies name on the wall. Maybe I will when it is completely finished? You'll find out one way or another. :) Our little man is growing fast, and things are looking good. He is in position for labor, and ready to face this crazy world.

I've been feeling the same...mostly tired by the end of the day, and ready for bed. I haven't felt any kind of contraction (that I am aware of) during my pregnancy thus far. Some of my friends said they didn't feel anything until they went into labor, so that might just be the case for me. Only time will tell (literally!)....5 or so weeks, and it is time. Some days it still seems surreal, and other days, it can't come fast enough.

I read this quote from my friends blog and I couldn't help but post it on here because it resonated with my heart so much (speaking about their own mother)....
 

"My mother summed it up, "my job is to create a balance in you, one to give you roots and wings at the same time, without allowing one to dwarf the other."

I've been thinking about our little man, and even though he is a baby and will be for awhile, he will eventually grow up and venture out on his own. I don't know if that means he will move far away (he could), or if he will stay where he is raised (who knows?), but it does mean that I have to allow him to spread his wings and fly, with the realization of his family roots, and the importance of spending quality time with them. There is a great balance that should take place between these two things, and I pray that our little boy finds that balance, and isn't afraid to fly.

34 Weeks

I'm tired. worn out. burnt out...and many other mixed emotions that I can't seem to explain. It was a rough past week for me. I wish I could say otherwise, but that is the truth. It seems all too easy to say that I trusted and leaned on Jesus when I was tired and weary, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. Other times, I have full confidence that I can trust in His word when He says to his people,

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. One simply little sentence, that can change our whole perspective. I know that Jesus is speaking to those who are trying to "abide by every single rule the Pharisee's are teaching," but I also believe that the truth of this scripture can be comforting to those (including myself) who are just tired and weary from everyday life. What an incredible invitation from Jesus himself. I'll take it!

34 weeks...and counting! I am definitely feeling it. I've seemed to get more and more tired as the days go on, as much as I've wanted to go outside and take a long run, I know that it's just not possible at this point. Our little man has been moving around lots and lots, which is quite interesting at times! Dylan has enjoyed those little moments when he can feel his son pushing against my belly. We've set up some stuff for his room, but still have quite a bit to do. Hopefully we will finish that this week! Other than that, things are going well, and we are anxiously anticipating his arrival. :)

32 & 33 Weeks

 
The size of a small watermelon...nope, even better, a pineapple! Can you believe it? Our baby is growing rapidly, and mommy is definitely feeling it. :) I'm not sure if it's his hand, foot, leg, butt, etc. that is constantly reminding me he is down there. Whatever it is, it is a little miracle, and blessing. Sleep has been difficult this past week, due to the fact that my legs/back have been hurting quite a bit, and my hands are still pretty numb.

I haven't had the energy to write these blogs the past few weeks (as you might have been able to tell). It's that feeling you get when you are so exhausted you don't want to do anything when you get home but fall into bed, and sleep all night! Although, the sleep part has been hard, that is how I have felt coming home from work most nights.

Our baby shower was this past weekend, and we felt very blessed! It was a wonderful time to spend with family and friends, and a great way to celebrate the life of baby McMurry. :) Thank you to all who came and for all those who get to celebrate this season of our life.

I read this quote this past week, and wanted to share it (that's all):

"If God is sovereign, then He is in control of all the details of my life. If He is loving, then He is going to be shaping the details of my life for my good. If He is all-wise, then he's not going to do everything I want because I don't know what I need. If He is patient, then He is going to take time to do all this. When we put all these things together-- God's sovereignty, love, wisdom, and patience-- we have a divine story. 

Paul E Miller

31 Weeks

 

"Today I am desperate enough to pray. When I think about prayer, about what it is and what it brings to my life and what it tells me about the way life is, I realize, for the thousandth time, that the alternative is about as smart as building your house on marshmallow fluff or taking flintstone vitamins to cure cancer..." -Shauna Niequist (Book - Cold Tangerines)

Shauna Niequist is one of those people I could sit down and probably have a 24 hour conversation with...and never get bored. She's real. authentic. vulnerable. and transparent in more ways than one. She tells it like it is, and isn't afraid too. I read this from one of her chapters in her book Cold Tangerines, and it resonated with my week this past week...

I find myself praying for our little man more than ever. I wish I could say that it happens all the time, but I would be lieing to you if I did. Usually I begin to pray at the last moments of the day, or when all other means have failed (including my ability to think I can control every situation in life).  It seems that I go straight to God when I think I can't do anything else about the situation and/or circumstance. Funny, huh? It should never start with me, nor should it end with me. My desperate prayer is that before even thinking about what I would do in a situation, my eyes would gaze towards heaven, and my heart would cry out to God who knows and understands my needs and wants more than anyone (including myself) ever would or could.

I read this quote this past week, and it reminded me of the power of prayer. I consistently need to be reminded of how powerful prayer is, and that it should be in my thought process all the time...

"The prayer of the feeblest saint on earth who lives in the spirit and keeps right with God is a terror to Satan. The very powers of darkness are paralyzed by prayer...no wonder Satan tries to keep our minds fussy in active work till we cannot think in prayer."

Oswald Chambers

So, baby boy, I pray that you would see you are created by the King of the universe. You are wonderfully made, and loved by Him more than mommy and daddy could ever love you. I pray that God would reveal Himself to you in powerful ways as you live for Him. I pray that your contentment would be found in His hands, and not in the things of this world. Times will get tough, and life will be hard, but remember to always call out to God, He alone can save you. Live for Him, and love others as He did.

In His Joy, Mommy

30 Weeks

Aside from my right hand being constantly tingly and numb (pregnancy carpal tunnel), and sleepless nights, I'm hanging in there. It's hard to believe our baby boy will be here in just 10 weeks (maybe sooner!) I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared, but most of all, I am joyful! Joyful to be bringing into this world a creation from God alone.

If you know me well, I am a fan of the worship artists Shane & Shane. They wrote this song for their children (who are girls, so I changed it as though it was for our baby boy) and it resonated so much with my heart as I listened to it. I know our son is not born yet, but I wanted to share the lyrics with you..

"hey, hey, sweet son....I'm so proud to be your mother.

each day is like a gift from God.

hey, hey, sweet son....there's no music like your laughter, and your smile is like the rising sun.

you know I loved you from the start, so come in close, take my hand, while mommy shares her heart.

i wish that i could be your everything, be the one to give you all the things you need, sometimes I'm gonna let you down....there's someone if you just believe, He'll be your hero like He's always been for me. darling, Jesus is the one you need.

no matter what you walk through, He will always love you...just the way you are. for there's nothing in this world, that I want for my baby boy than to be happy ever after.

the story of your life is still untold.  i pray the king of all the universe would make your heart his home. i wish that i could be your everything. be the one to give you all the things you need, sometimes i'm gonna let you down. there's someone if you just believe, He'll be your hero, likes He's always been for me, darling Jesus is the one...who will never leave, he's been there all along. oh, when your ready....you can find true love.

i wish that i could be your everything, be the one to give you all the things you need, sometimes I'm gonna let you down. there's someone if you just believe, he'll be your hero like he's always been for me. darling, Jesus is the one you need..."

There is something so beautiful about these lyrics. I want so much for this little boy coming into the world, and I want him to know that there is so much hope in Jesus Christ. I can't fulfill everything as a mother, and neither can his daddy, but I do know that Jesus can, and I pray that our little one knows and understands that as he grows and becomes the man that God created him to be...